It’s taken me a really long time to get back here. I’ve started to write many times but nothing ever seemed just right. I’ve felt this way before but, although I’d still consider myself new at this, I’ve never stayed away so long. Maybe that’s because I’ve been wondering…what is this? Why am I doing this? What am I accomplishing here? What am I sharing here? Is it too much? Is it not enough? I suppose these are questions that lots of bloggers ask themselves at one point or another and maybe I’ve already asked them once before myself in some way, but in truth I think I never really explored the answers because I got really wrapped up in the blogging culture…
You see, when I started blogging, I thought I was entering into an undiscovered territory. I thought I would tap into this underground community of people who just wanted to connect and share their lives, their souls, their passions, their talents, their ideas….and maybe someday make a profit off of writing about doing what you love. Don’t get me wrong, it was all of those things but on the flip-side there was this machine of the “how to’s of blogging” that ultimately stifles the freedom of creativity. I wasn’t sure if I was doing it “right” so I didn’t really want to do it at all. I lost sight of what this is really about for me and why I wanted to come here in the first place.
I wanted to create something beautiful, something from my heart.
Although this was true, I wasn’t willing to accept that sometimes the things that flow from my heart are messy. Sometimes my heart is a mess and my apartment is there to match. Sometimes my words don’t come out right and nothing seems pretty, but what’s coming into perspective for me personally is that it’s okay to be unafraid to be writing about that. I shouldn’t skip out on coming here just because I feel like, well, a mess. The same is true for life itself. I shouldn’t skip out on showing up to give it all I’ve got every day that I wake up just because our mattress is still on the middle of the floor in our new apartment”s living room.
What’s right for me might not look exactly like what’s right for someone else but that doesn’t mean my heartspace isn’t equally as beautiful. I feel like that realization is a continuation of the energy of breakthrough that I experienced at the end of last year while I was on hiatus, and is propelling into the focus I’ve placed on 2017:
If I’m being completely transparent, 2016 was rough. It was a year of testing that the universe put me through. When deciding on a word for last year, originally I was thinking 2016 would be the year of balance but it didn’t quite feel right. There was something else that needed to be handled first. That’s when “BREAKTHROUGH” came for me and I accepted it with an open heart and mind. I’ve been setting these yearly intentions for a couple of years now and I feel I’ve seen them come to fruition each year. After experiencing huge breakthroughs in my personal and mental space last year, I was so thankful, but I was also left feeling empty and broken. I didn’t realize that to achieve breakthrough, you had to do just that, break. You have to become your most simple self. The self that is the most exposed, with no place to run and hide. Then comes the questions. Then there you are asking yourself, “where do I go from here?” I had poured out the entirety of my soul, I had been broken down to my most basic self and had clearer vision than ever before for the pursuit of something else for myself- balance.
balance between passion and aggression
balance between long, “I need relaxation showers” and quick, “I need to be somewhere showers.”
balance between wondering about someone/something and worrying about someone/something.
balance between trying to learn from my mistakes and beating myself up for them.
balance between wanting something and not making myself sick with worry over possibly not getting it.
balance between being overwhelmingly sad when someone leaves my life and understanding that they don’t belong there anymore because that season where they were supposed to be there is over.
balance between an innocent heart and a naive mind.
balance between not feeling human and being human.
balance between who I am, what I am, and what I want.
There is lots more to uncover on this balance beam, I’m sure of it. If you choose to join me here this year just know that I’ll be trying to walk it out with grace, but I won’t always be successful. I am writing here for ME in hopes of connecting with YOU, but it’s not required. I won’t always post pretty pictures if I don’t want to or don’t have time. I will not shorten the length of my posts to make them more appealing to read. If they’re meant for you, you’ll find the time to read though it all. I do think that I will indicate when a post is “scheduled” though, I would like for people to know when they’re getting real-time heart talk. My heart really is to connect with anyone and everyone and to let as many people that want to, feel the warmth of the love that my heart has to give. Gandhi said be the change you want to see in the world so I’m going to build my balance beam on that foundation.
If you’re here, I love you. If you’re not, I love you.