Ahh the quest for balance. (re-cap my 2017 word for the year post here)
Honestly, I didn’t know if this post would ever come. I sat down to write something else and this just kinda flowed out. It started out as something else and bloomed into this post that ultimately has just made me feel as though I need to trust myself more. That makes me smile.
Usually, by January 8th, I am in the thick of “New Year denial.” You know it, where we’ve all convinced ourselves that this year is going to be ours, and everything is going to go our way. Yeah! But then, at the first sign of what we perceive to be the opposite, we then open up our eyes to what we like to refer to as “reality.” Or, “same shit different day” maybe. That type of thing…
So life lately for me looks a little bit like this:
joy+being what some would call, a weirdo+chaos
can you tell I’m back in school? I’m seriously putting life together like a math problem. People who know me well know that if I’m talking about math in any way (other than quoting Frasier of course) then my life MUST be out of control because I’ve literally gone crazy.
I’ve lied. I’ve cheated.
I’ve stolen. I’ve said really mean things behind peoples backs. I’ve engaged in one too many immature Twitter fights .
I’ve been “that [drunk] girl” at way too many birthday parties/weddings/corporate awards events…
I’ve judged others.
I’ve let people down.
I’ve said things I didn’t mean to hurt other people.
I’ve done and said some really shitty things in my 27 years.
But also- I love.
I have been hurt. I have hurt.
I have apologized.
I have forgiven.
I have gathered strength..
and I have provided it.
I’ve given grace.
My heart is kind.
I am compassionate.
I crave connection. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago. I’m not the same person I was last year.
Sometimes I feel like I’m on a never ending rollercoaster ride…
but still, I love.
I’m not perfect, but I don’t expect anyone else to be either.
Today, I turn 27 years old. Since my birthday is May 27th, that would make this day my golden birthday and this year my golden year. I kicked off my golden year by conquering one of my biggest fears–jumping out of an airplane. When you get down to it, I don’t think the actual act of skydiving is my biggest fear, but more the act of letting go of control. I don’t want to let my fears and insecurities continue to cloud my vision of the beauty all around me. I am not without fear, but I’m done letting it stop me. I’m done letting it have control over my life. I know this will be a process, but jumping out of that plane today was a good first step. It was something I never thought I would be courageous enough to do. But that’s another thing that I am….#28- Brave.
So here goes nothing. I’m going to live my golden year to the fullest. Loving life, loving others, and loving myself.
**This post was started May 25th, 2017 but completed in real time, May 27th, 10:111pm
Have you ever met someone and had a feeling you knew them in another life maybe? That happened to me today with this beautiful butterfly. I was on my way to an appointment and was feeling a bit anxious over life in general, but I was powering through my day as we often do, suffering in silence. I ended up parking on the wrong side of the building so I began walking in the correct direction and I saw him lying on the sidewalk, struggling, just waiting to be stepped on.
I stopped to see if he would allow me to pick him up. I figured if he was capable of flying he would get spooked and carry on but he crawled right on to my hand. He didn’t look maimed but he seemed a little anxious too. My heart connected with his sweet little spirit and all I wanted to do was make his day better. I wondered if maybe he was dying so I took that photo and promised to remember him fondly. I didn’t want to be late to my appointment but I also didn’t want to leave him behind. I stooped down to sit him next to a bush in front of the building and it almost seemed like he didn’t want to leave my hand. I promised if he waited there, I would come back for him after my appointment…
I’m not sure if I’m talking to the person reading this or the person writing this to be honest. So much has brought me back to this space. My first post of 2017 shared here was very much about where I am and where I want to be. I spoke about feeling like a complete and total mess right now and (if I’m going to continue the trend of being honest) I still am. That almost feels liberating to say. Or type. Scary- but liberating as well. So much of blogging and social media and LIFE IN GENERAL is all about making sure people think you’re put together. Making sure they can’t see your mess.
It’s taken me a really long time to get back here. I’ve started to write many times but nothing ever seemed just right. I’ve felt this way before but, although I’d still consider myself new at this, I’ve never stayed away so long. Maybe that’s because I’ve been wondering…what is this? Why am I doing this? What am I accomplishing here? What am I sharing here? Is it too much? Is it not enough? I suppose these are questions that lots of bloggers ask themselves at one point or another and maybe I’ve already asked them once before myself in some way, but in truth I think I never really explored the answers because I got really wrapped up in the blogging culture…
Well, Summer is officially over and here I am. It’s been a few days and I think I’m a mess. It helps though that a storm is rolling in right now so the weather is making me happy. I tried to show up here as often as I could but as usual, Summer stole my heart away and with that, my time. I suppose I’ve come here to cope *dramatic sigh*.
The end of summer always feels like the end of the year for me, is that odd? This is always the time of year where I look back on the past 12 months and ask myself what I really accomplished and what I want to do moving forward. I know most people do this at the end of December but for me, that time is right about now. Usually I’m left with an overwhelming sadness to be honest. I think it’s a combination of my favorite season being over and that I never feel like I’m where I want to be or I’ve done enough to get there, but this time is different I think…
Still quite busy with work work work work work (did you sing it?) but somehow Andre and I managed to get out for a date night last week! Yes, last week…I’m over a week late in posting about this but work work work..yada yada, you get the idea.
In fact, we’ve been so focused on our Total Money Makeover and other goals that we haven’t done a very good job of making time for us to spend together that doesn’t involve the business side of our marriage. Before, it was all play. Think, dope downtown apartment, eating out every night, spending on whatever whenever. In the last year, it has become all business and basically zero play. Neither of those things are good, so we’re just trying to grow together and really learn a little something about this thing called balance in this thing called adulthood.
Enter in the (last minute) scheduled date night! We’re definitely going to make these things regular and a top priority. They might not always be this awesome, but time together is what’s really important and what makes these times awesome! Since we haven’t had a date night in f o r e v e r, we decided we would treat ourselves to a concert to kick off this whole, making date night a priority thing. Concerts hold a special place in our hearts because our very first date as boyfriend and girlfriend was a concert and we STILL talk about what a wonderful (crazy.) time it was…
I feel like I’m always saying that and the law of attraction tells me, the fact that I’m always saying that…is why I am always saying that! Ha! I need to find a new saying. I need to get a good affirmation going. Any suggestions?
Let’s get started with this little catch up, shall we?
I couldn’t think of a better day in March to kick off my official once a month “Currently” posts. I’ve seen other bloggers do them and I’ve always thought they were so cute and I always enjoy reading them so I figured I would give it a try myself :) I hope you’re wearing your green today!