I am so overwhelmed. Trying to put into words the way I feel about food is exhausting. I have a terrible relationship with food in that I don’t have one. I am so disinterested in food and everything about it, including cooking, that I don’t even want to tell you my average calorie intake because I’m so embarrassed.
It’s not that I’m lazy. I can/have/do put megaloads of energy into all kinds of things. Mostly the things that I’m passionate about, but I can handle a task or a project responsibly for sure.
It’s not that I think I’m fat. I’ve always been small. I’m petite by frame. I have an athletic figure and honestly could stand/need/want to gain a few pounds (and also build some muscle).
It’s just that I don’t care about food. It’s not that I am ungrateful either because I most certainly am not. I have just never had any desire to plan, prepare, or sometimes even eat food.
It’s definitely super strange and I acknowledge that. I’ve read over and over again that food issues are rooted in control and I totally get that and can see where I might have come up with food issues with that root cause, but I can’t ever remember when it all happened ya know?
People who say they love food, I can’t understand it. I don’t know what it means to eat because you love food. I eat because if I don’t, I will die. I eat to survive. There are a few foods I enjoy though and of course they are the worst, most addictive ones (read: sugar) that might not even belong in the “real food” category.
Enter Whole 30.
Now I’m not saying this is a quick fix, I recognize that once my 30 days are over I will have to stay on track with my nutrition regardless of whether I decide to remain paleo or not. I like that this “nutritional reset” is focused on eating “real” foods and helping people kick their sugar&processed food addictions. I am the poster child for this program I think because my extreme disinterest in cooking leaves me eating premade or fast shit that holds no nutritional value whatsoever.
I guess the only thing that wouldn’t make me so “poster child perfect” is the fact that I am hoping to gain weight while on this program. It’s true that most people report losing weight (95% actually) but then I found this article talking about how it is possible. I think the fact that I will be eating more in general, and nutrient dense foods at that alone will help. I’ll also be consuming smoothies. I am really trusting that my body knows what it needs and what to do. I believe it will be thankful for all the good stuff I’m giving it and use it exactly the way it needs to. Knowing that I need to put on some weight, I believe it will do exactly that.
What hasn’t been so easy to believe in? My ability to plan, prep and cook. I feel SO underprepared. I have been talking about doing this forever, doing research and everything but I underestimated the intensity of weekly meal planning. It has taken me three days to plan one week and I feel like it’s just an unorganized mess no matter how hard I work. I feel as though I should have started meal planning a month out. I do feel like that might just be a time table for someone like me though who has no interest in this kind of thing. It’s like pulling teeth to get myself to do this. I guess all that matters is that I’m doing it. Slow and steady wins the race.
What’s even worse though is that I know a month full of meal planning, grocery shopping, meal prepping and cooking is coming. I couldn’t be farther from my comfort zone. Did I mention I’m also pretty terrible at cooking even when I try? My meals maaayyybe might come out tasting good I guess (sometimes) but the actual process of cooking. Stop. just stop. It’s so awful. It’s no fun and I’m all over the place. I have no sense of timing.
oasdfjhoaeighoiwefklsdofsd. <—-my brain NOT on drugs, trying to cook that egg.
I suppose though, these are all things that come with practice.
I guess what I have come to realize is that something good about this that I didn’t foresee, is how far out of my comfort zone this would pull me. I knew I’d be stepping out there but oh my gosh. I’m having to believe in my abilities in a way I never thought or cared about. I know this sounds crazy (and possibly over dramatic) but it’s my real life. I’ve often felt alone in this because I’ve never met someone who cares as little about food as I do.
I wouldn’t call it an eating disorder because those are very serious and actually involve caring a great deal about food (in an unhealthy way of course). I’m just completely disinterested. I don’t love it. I don’t hate it. I just don’t care.
I just feel like I’m in a limbo. I don’t fit on any scale.
I don’t eat too little because of body image issues.
I don’t have a perfectly normal relationship with food where I appreciate it, maybe even love it but don’t over eat.
And I don’t over eat.
Here’s me. Hanging out in food limbo. no mans land. all alone.
I just need to keep reminding myself why I am doing this.
– to kick my sugar&processed food addiction
– to build a respect for food while learning how to shop for it (the good stuff!), prep it (meals&actual food) and prepare it.
I’m trying to fight the urge to feel like a failure already. Stay positive JLynn. This is going to be good for you.
Oh yeah- Happy Monday.
Cheers to the first day of the Whole 30 program! With sparkling water of course….