Musings from a new me

jlynn-justad-tsj3Michael Escobar Photography

*Warning: Intersteller Spoilers ahead. If you’re anything like me, you see movies after they’ve been out forever. ha!

If you missed my post Wednesday, Dear Me, it was a letter to my 19 year old self. I feel I have turned the page to a brand new chapter in my life, not just a brand new page. So, I figured I have a letter to the old me…why not write some thoughts from the “new” me. That’s the thing about people. We’re always evolving. Constantly changing.

My post Wednesday was pretty hard to publish. I didn’t expect it to reach a million eyes but being venerable in front of any eyes is scary. At least to me. It was important for me- to me. It was important to me to get it out there I guess to show myself that I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of my past anymore. And I’m not afraid of the mistakes I’m sure I will make in the future. I’m becoming more and more secure in who I know I am. Fear and anxiety have been the norm for me for a very long time and whereas yes, I still get fearful and anxious, I feel brave. I feel brave. I feel more in control of my life (how I respond to the events in it, that is) than ever before and it’s thrilling and terrifying all in one. I imagine it to be a bit like the sensation you get when you jump out of an airplane to skydive. Which I’ve never done and will never do. I don’t think that’s coming off of my “things jlynn is fearful of” list anytime soon. ha!

It’s scary to feel this good though too because that’s the part in the movie where the space aliens invade. Thinking on that girl I wrote to on Wednesday and who I am right here in this moment, It’s kinda a catch 22. When writing, I felt this rush of things I would have loved to say to that girl to encourage her, but not to have her do anything differently. Maybe it’s the sci-fi lover in me but all I kept thinking, have thought is:

If I had a choice to keep my past the way it is or be spared that experience but I couldn’t know if I would end up where I am today, what would I do?

I watched Interstellar last night. At the end, he was trying to send himself a message back in time to stay on earth. Not go on the space mission. He had missed everything in his children’s lives and there was no sign of hope for the situation the mission was to fix. He was screaming and crying watching himself leave for a mission that as far as he could see, was pointless. It was a strong scene for me to watch- a visual of something I have done to my own self for so long. Bring myself to tears wishing to change the past to no avail. I would bet we’ve all done that at some point in our lives.

In the movie, had he changed the past, had he not gone on the mission, things wouldn’t have ended as well as they did. But that’s a movies so I suppose It’s possible I could have ended up where I am, with who I am, but to not know? It’s a risk I would never be willing to take. I say this because what I do know for a fact is: that experience pushed me so far outside of my mind and my world that I ended up right in front of my husband and a journey to self re-discovery that I could never have even dreamed of. From where I’m sitting, it couldn’t be any better. Well. A lotto win wouldn’t hurt but my life is abundant with joy.

Yea, I got hurt. I’ve been hurt. Not by just one situation either. I’ve taken quite a few blows but I’ve focused my energy on it strengthening me. In that strength I have found the truth that changing the past is beyond my scope of possibility, but I have a road ahead of me that is fresh, blank canvas where it is totally within the realm of possibility for me to create a most beautiful existence. One I can be proud of.

I’ve started doing things that scare me. Like start this blog. Post venerable things. Step out for connection. Start a project I’m not quite ready to talk about yet ;)

I’ve explored faith in God more than I ever have in my entire life (did I mention I grew up in church?) Yea. That’s a conversation for a different day though. ha.

I’ve made great strides towards a healthier lifestyle. Physically and mentally.

I used to think confronting situations (the one I spoke about Wednesday in particular) meant confronting my feelings with the other person and in some instances, yes, it does. But regardless, it ALWAYS means confronting your own self, your feelings and searching your own heart. I used to over analyze every decision I was thinking about. I didn’t trust myself. I’ve always held on to this notion that I must do this or that to be accepted. I must worry about what this person will say or how this person will react based off of what I do. I’m not a good person for this reason or that. And it caused so much anxiety and sadness in my life.

No more of that nonsense.

Yes it’s good to think of others and to put thought into something before you do it, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve been secure in the person that I am until now. Where I didn’t continue to question my motives on something when I knew my heart already. I talked about it a little bit before in my What are you passionate about post. I am passionate about all things good and kind and loving. We all have our moments but my life is a dedication to those things so I’ve taken to standing firm on that knowledge and no longer living my life consumed with and tortured by the (sometimes even just potential) judgments and opinions of others.

I’ve made mistakes in my life. I will make some more. That girl up there in that photo isn’t 19 anymore. She isn’t naïve and doesn’t mindlessly follow along with what others want to do just to avoid confrontation or embarrassment or whatever else. She isn’t afraid to figure herself out and stand firm on who she knows she is. \

Yes, she still has insecurities and things to work on, but I know that my heart is full of nothing but love for others, kindness and compassion are my favorites, and I like the person that I am. Who I am is a mistake making, big hearted young woman who has no ill will towards anyone. Not even the ones outside of the circle of the kinds of people I like to be around. I’ve got mad love for everyone and now I’m starting to include myself in that group.

I know who I am. I like who I am (3)

Enjoy your weekend darling friends! Learn something about yourself.. :)