***What was supposed to be a Whole 30 food update ended up turning into some personal lessons. I use this space as a haven for my thoughts and this week those thoughts came like this so if you’re not interested in reading about my personal breakthrough as opposed to a more food related experience update, you might want to skip this post but check out the links at the bottom to view other, more food related content :)
I must confess. I have been in troubled waters this week and tracking my Whole 30 progress was relayed to the farthest of burners on my oven of life.
I’m not wanting to go entirely into detail over specifics (reasons unrelated to food or cravings haha) because to me, they are irrelevant to your story but the breakthrough I experienced may not be. I believe it’s completely possible for people to arrive at the same (much needed) conclusion from all different walks of life and situations.
When I got into blogging, I wanted many things but first and foremost, I wanted it to hold me accountable to myself and even just a few months in, it has been doing just that. I’ve learned so many things about myself and grown in so many ways on account of this space and this week was no different.
This week, week 3 of my Whole 30 journey, was rough emotionally for unrelated reasons (really starting toward the end of week 2) and I pretty much went into hiding. I had wonderful things planned to post here that I have been so excited about and I put it all on hold and didn’t even show up (with one exception).
I didn’t show up because I didn’t want to post about what was going on with me emotionally. There were two reasons:
• I wouldn’t want my family and friends who read worrying about me first of all, but also, people “don’t care for personal posts”. That’s what a lot of blogger how tos will tell you and I’m sure that’s what some (maybe most, maybe all) stats will tell you.
• How personal is too personal? What are my privacy boundaries?
I had never put much thought into that. I’ve always said that I want this space to be welcoming for all, unless you’re mean. I wanted it to be authentic but I also wanted to maintain some level of privacy. I wanted enough transparency to feel like I was presenting an authentic space but enough privacy where I didn’t feel like I was opening up every avenue of my life to the opinions of others. Because we all know..even though they don’t matter, sometimes they hurt. It’s good to guard your heart.
It came down to:
• It didn’t feel right talking about my feelings and it didn’t feel right talking about things that were totally unrelated to real time life.
I felt stuck. So I started with the beginning of the blog. What brought me here?
This is a space I created as a haven for my thoughts on this journey of life. I created this space so I could look back and say look how much I have grown as a human being, as a woman, as a wife…etc. I created this space to become more firmly rooted in the confidence of who I am.
After putting some intentional thought into it, I realized I wasn’t just hiding from the blog. I do this a lot when I’m going through things. I hide from my family, my friends and especially myself. But this little space didn’t let me get away this time. Upon reflecting on my absence here, I had to look at my absence elsewhere.
For years I’ve been going in and out of hiding behind closed doors of sadness, shame, confusion and heartache but no more. I’ve used my “disinterest in food” as a twisted form of control over myself that I haven’t even begun to acknowledge until I started this Whole 30 program. I guess I had never taken the time to acknowledge it because most people they talk about who use food as a form of control use it to extremes. Anorexic or overweight. There isn’t much talk about those of us in the middle who are pretty average but are still using eating habits to feel a sense of false control over our life. I’m not imprisoned by those things anymore though, nor the feeling of needing to hide them. I’m choosing to set myself free and now I’ve just got to act accordingly in all aspects of my life on and offline.
I came here in truth to build relationships. I came here for community yes, but ultimately I came here to build a relationship with myself and that means showing up for myself even when shit is tough. I’ve chosen to remove ‘hide’ as an option on my list of ways to navigate conflict in my life, not just in my day to day but here as well. I don’t want this space just to become another thing to hide from.
With the importance of privacy in mind, I want to be vulnerable here because for me, that’s important. That’s a step forward in my journey. For me, stepping out into vulnerability with what I let people see is out of my comfort zone, just like the Whole 30, and that’s exactly what I came here to grow out of. My comfort zone had become a hidden sadness and shame. She was my friend in a way haha. But I’ve let her go now. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever be sad again from time to time, but it also doesn’t mean I have to hide it when it does. That’s a lesson I needed to learn.
Now, this isn’t to say my space is to become a facebook account of depressing status updates or anything haha! I just mean that I think here it’s going to be ok to talk about things that maybe aren’t always so happy because “you can’t conquer what you don’t confront” (Kris Valloten).
From my issues with food and beyond.
I won’t be confronting it all here but if there’s something going on I want to talk about then I am going to do it because also- I don’t want to look back at this and say what was I hiding from during this post? I want to say, look what I overcame. Look what I learned about myself during week 3 of my first Whole 30.
So now for a very short food update:
I didn’t break the program!
Not only was I in an emotionally draining situation, I was also taking up residency in the red tent and if there is ever a time I am stuffing my face with chocolate and coca-cola (sooo grooossss jlynnnn ommggg), it’s at this interval in the month. Despite much temptation from comfort foods like pizza and chocolate caramel eggs, and ice cream I have remained true to the Whole 30 program guidelines. I seriously can’t believe I am still here. I’ve skipped a couple meals, not going to lie about that. But! I haven’t had any fruit juice independent of smoothies and I have kept compliant all the way. Not even a little bit of honey in the chicken stock. Ha! Although I am emotionally and physically exhausted, I am feeling a whole other level of power and self-discipline. Loving it!! Victory can be achieved even in times of trial. I am really proud of myself for not giving up on this even though my stress and anxiety have been through the roof. I am growing.
Wow. This is the first time I’ve ever been nervous about people reading a post.