I’m not sure if I’m talking to the person reading this or the person writing this to be honest. So much has brought me back to this space. My first post of 2017 shared here was very much about where I am and where I want to be. I spoke about feeling like a complete and total mess right now and (if I’m going to continue the trend of being honest) I still am. That almost feels liberating to say. Or type. Scary- but liberating as well. So much of blogging and social media and LIFE IN GENERAL is all about making sure people think you’re put together. Making sure they can’t see your mess.
If I’m REALLY being honest, I would say that I’m MORE of a mess now than I was when I published that first post. However, in searching for the beauty in all of that, in diligently continuing my quest for balance in my life, I find more solid ground every day. I am already seeing so many instances in my life where the intention I have set for myself and being unrelenting in my efforts to maintain focus on that intention, is already beginning to pay off. One might ask how that can seem possible, I just said I’m more of a mess now than I was a couple of months ago…..but the answer lies in the fact that, in what I’ve come to know through my own personal experiences in my own life, is that often times we’re broken down so that we can build ourselves back up. We don’t always take the opportunity and choose to do that but when we do, it promotes self worth and pride in our abilities to be strong and kick ass at this ridiculously fucking hard thing called living the human experience.
It’s like when I said that last year, I wanted breakthrough and I truly got there, but it wasn’t until AFTER I experienced being broken down on a level I’ve NEVER experienced before in my life. I very much feel the same way now. I crave balance like nothing else and here I sit, feeling more off kilter than ever before. This is going to sound so lame but idgaf, but one of those instances where I have felt I’ve seen the universe provide me with clarity, giving me the ability to take another step in my quest for balance, happened just today. I was catching up on The Bachelor (judge me.) and Nick said something that really sat with me. He said:
“Have the strength to be a bit of a mess sometimes.”
I had to write that down because I’ve been trying to tell myself that in more ways than one, so when he said it so simply, it was like I was hurled right through a brick wall I have been chipping away at for so long. That’s basically what my last post was all about. There truly is strength to be found in having the courage to admit, to at the very least yourself, that you’re a mess sometimes, and just allowing it to run it’s course while fighting through it and being gentle with yourself. Loving yourself. Loving yourself through it. I might be a mess, but I’m a beautiful one. Not the kind of mess that is a sink full of dishes you’re taking forever to wash and put away (judging myself.), but the kind of mess that is a cluster of stars and other multicolored gasses. Looking at it, you might not think there is any rhyme or reason to their placement or location but after taking the time to gather more information and putting in the work to solve the problems, you might see that it all makes sense. And it was beautiful the entire time. Even through the tough times trying to figure out the equations. Especially when you suck at math. But it was beautiful the entire time. I’ve been beautiful this entire time.
I got a 99.9% in the math class that I just finished, btw. Fucking beautiful.
Love you. xx
*this post was written and published in real time. 3/7/2017 10:57pm